I THINK I Told Her

Often when I’m coaching, a manager will tell me something that would be very helpful for their direct report to know.  For example, how their communication style makes people want to avoid working with them.  Or how their inconsistent behavior makes it hard to delegate work to them.  But when I ask the manager if they’ve talked to the person, I rarely hear a resounding “yes!”  More often they reply “I think so.”  

I’ve become very curious about this uncertainty.  It could be they just can’t recall an exact conversation.  But my guess is, in many cases, there’s another reason:

They’ve had the conversation in their heads – or talked about the person with others – so many times, it feels like it’s already happened!

While we can all agree that people can’t change what they don’t know, it can be hard to deliver a tough message. And certainly some ways of saying things are more effective than others.  There is definitely skill involved, which can be taught and practiced. But there is also an “X” factor – COURAGE.  And managers who possess it are almost always the best managers.

Where does this courage come from?  It certainly might be part of their character, but I also think it’s built through experience…seeing how most people accept feedback and learn from it and that relationships are often stronger – not weaker – as a result of it.  Their desire to develop the people who work for them overrides any discomfort they might have around holding the discussion.  And their need for genuine connection helps push through any resistance.

So the next time you have something important to say, something that will help your direct report to succeed – yes prepare, of course get advice from people you trust, and then have the courage to say out loud what you’ve already said so many times inside your head!

(In my next blog entry, I’ll write more about the skills involved in giving feedback.)