You’ve Got Choices

In a recent meeting, one of my clients was telling me how he avoided a conflict by not pushing for his preferred outcome.  He felt a little guilty thinking he might not have done what was in the best interests of the team. “Perhaps,” I said, “but you don’t need to engage in every challenge.”  And I showed him 3 alternative approaches to addressing an issue: Bypass-Name-Engage.

As we talked about these alternatives, I was reminded of how clearly they describe our choices when we communicate and of some of the situations where they can be used.

Bypass:  Do not bring up what you see happening. This is a good approach when the relationship or matter at hand is not important or when the timing is not right.  Also if you’ve been consistently ignored, going in again may not make sense. And there are situations where the power imbalance is just too great.

Name:  Say what’s going on. Get issues out in the open. Use “name” when a pattern of behavior emerges that needs to be called out – this often occurs in a meeting when people are drifting off or being disruptive.  Naming is also helpful when you don’t understand something and sense you’re not alone or when the mood or tone of a conversation or relationship has shifted.

Engage:  Bring up issues, ask questions, and discuss solutions. You “engage” when the relationship and/or the situation are simply too important to just “bypass” or “name,” and when you’re willing to work to understand and find a solution.

In my discussion with my client, we also talked about how easy it is to get stuck using the same approach over and over. Like so much in life, flexibility is key. You want to use each approach where it will have the most impact. So I strongly encourage you to change it up from time to time. Experiment with a new approach.  The results may surprise you … and in a good way.