Better Listening Through Empathy

When I teach listening skills, I emphasize the importance of empathy to effective listening.  I define empathy as relating and connecting to the experiences, thoughts, and feelings of others.

Invariably, one brave soul in the class raises his hand and says:  I accept what you’re saying. I know it’s important, but I just can’t do it.

In the past, my response, which admittedly showed little empathy, was to challenge the person to just try harder or fake it till they make it.  Part of me didn’t believe the individual couldn’t feel empathy. Over the years I’ve come to realize that this is hard for many people, and the last time someone brought it up, I responded this way.

“You’re not alone.  Many people struggle with this. Here are some things that might help.  

First, consider a situation where a friend is angry about something.  While you may not have had his exact experience, you’ve been angry before in other situations.  So your empathy can come from your experience with this emotion, not necessarily from his specific situation.  

Also get curious!  Ask the individual to tell you more about what happened.  Taking the time to understand allows you, first and foremost, to connect with this person. The additional pieces of information may also spark something from your own experience.”

Really effective listeners do these things to help them to empathize – to fully “get” what the other person is trying to say.   It’s something that, if we want to, we can all try – even if it doesn’t come naturally.