The Blame Pie

My best friend is a wealth of aphorisms – those pithy, perfect phrases that say it all.  One of her favorites?  “We each need to take our piece of the blame pie.”

In my field, we refer to this as acknowledging your contribution – or part – in a conflict, and, in doing so, moving toward resolution.

The power of this acknowledgement came up recently with a manager I work with.  She could not get one of her colleagues, Jim, to collect relevant data on a project in a timely manner.  She had shown, described, and explained the rationale for what she needed – over and over with no change!  She was getting angry.

I asked her, “So, what’s your contribution to this impasse?” 

“Nothing.  He just isn’t listening to me!”

When I asked again, she admitted that maybe, in her increasing frustration, she’d stopped listening too and hadn’t asked what was at the root of Jim’s problem.

In this case, as in so many others, once the manager acknowledged her part – pushing her solution without any give and take – and asked what she could do differently, Jim relaxed and shared his real problem.  He understood and agreed with what was needed. However, he was having difficulty getting some of the required data from his own boss.  He was stymied by how to influence him, and, quite frankly, he didn’t want to admit his failure so he stalled for time.  Once this was out in the open, Jim and the manager were able to work together to figure out a solution to the data bottleneck.

Blame shuts down communication.  Acknowledging your part in a conflict re-establishes the connection.  In my experience, it is one of the most powerful things you can do to move toward resolution.