Sherri's Blog

When I teach listening skills, I emphasize the importance of empathy to effective listening.  I define empathy as relating and connecting to the experiences, thoughts, and feelings of others.

Invariably, one brave soul in the class raises his hand and says:  I accept what you’re saying. I know it’s important, but I just can’t do it.

In the past, my response, which admittedly showed little empathy, was to challenge the person to just try harder or fake it till they make it.  Part of me didn’t believe the individual couldn’t feel empathy. Over the years I’ve come to realize that this is hard for many people, and the last time someone brought it up, I responded this way.

“You’re not alone.  Many people struggle with this. Here are some things that might help.  

First, consider a situation where a friend is angry about something.  While you may not have had his exact experience, you’ve been angry before in other situations.  So your empathy can come from your experience with this emotion, not necessarily from his specific situation.  

Also get curious!  Ask the individual to tell you more about what happened.  Taking the time to understand allows you, first and foremost, to connect with this person. The additional pieces of information may also spark something from your own experience.”

Really effective listeners do these things to help them to empathize – to fully “get” what the other person is trying to say.   It’s something that, if we want to, we can all try – even if it doesn’t come naturally.

I was talking to a manager recently about his style of leadership – someone had given him feedback that he wasn’t decisive enough.  He had translated this as “Stop engaging in dialogue and asking questions. Just tell your employees what you want them to do! That’s what it means to be a strong manager.”

I said that while there is a time and place for “just do it,” it isn’t a style that worked in most situations.

It reminded me of a classic leadership study done by Robert Tannenbaum and Warren Schmidt on decision-making.   They concluded: Successful managers…can be primarily characterized neither as “strong” leaders nor as “permissive” ones. Rather, they are people who maintain a high batting average in accurately assessing the forces that determine what their most appropriate behavior at any given time should be and in actually being able to behave accordingly.  They described these leaders as flexible and insightful.

In addition, an important factor in determining a manager’s decisiveness is how clear they are about the process they use to make a decision.  It’s not how quickly they make it nor, I would add, how loudly and forcefully they say it.

Therefore, when appropriate, there is plenty of room for dialogue and questions.  Couple this with clear communication about how decisions are being made and you’ve got the kind of strength every organization can use!

A friend recently shared these emails with me.  Two people on his team sent them at around the same time about the same topic.

This one came out first and produced a lot of anger and disgruntled comments.

Hello!

The Mt. Fuji conference room has been reassigned as storage.  You can no longer schedule meetings there.  Change any meetings you’ve already booked in that room.

Thank you, Ms. X

This came out second and calmed things down.

Hi all,

As we’ve grown, we’ve acquired a lot of material – created by us and purchased from others.  To keep it from overflowing into our workspace we need to use the Mt. Fuji conference room for storage.

Fortunately, we still have 5 conference rooms, so we won’t be short of meeting/collaboration space.  Within the next month, we’ll set up one of the smaller conference rooms for video conferencing since we lose this functionality by converting Mt. Fuji.

I’m sorry for the inconvenience.  I hope you’ll let me know if you have any questions or concerns.

Kind regards, Mr. Y

I was struck by how Ms. X missed the mark and how skillfully Mr. Y included the key elements of change management:

• Explain the context (“the why”)
• Focus on what will stay the same
• Acknowledge the inconvenience
• Include a plan for alleviating the inconvenience
• Encourage dialogue

While conference rooms are a minor matter in the grand scheme of things, they’re essential to the daily lives of folks on this small team.  Losing one is a change for them.

And change isn’t easy!  In the past 20 years of working with organizations, I’ve seen too many managers forget this.  So the next time you’re making a change, remember these simple change management steps – they’ll help you avoid unnecessary drama.

I spoke with a manager recently about one her direct reports – a new hire who needs to make major improvements in his writing.  She described it this way:

“Jon just started in his new job a few months ago.  I’ve been really disappointed in his writing.  He needs to improve his ability to write persuasive, clear documents that make a strong business case.  We’ve discussed this goal, and he agrees.  Recently I’ve noticed that while his documents are still wordy and mostly unfocused, he’s getting better at writing the summary sections.  I’d like to praise him for that, but I’m concerned it will take his focus off the need for change since over all his writing is still not great.  Should I give him some positive feedback for this small improvement?”

While I understand the concern about diluting the importance of achieving the overall goal, my unequivocal answer was YES.  Praise for the small wins, the little improvements along the path.

Studies have found that if managers look for tasks at which an employee excels and respond with specific, timely praise, the employee will be energized.  If excellent performance is reinforced, it’s likely that the person’s work in related areas will improve.  

This “spill over effect” will help accomplish the bigger goal.  And the impact of praise is amplified if the individual is new to the job or task.

So while it’s important to continue discussing the larger goal and where improvements are needed, don’t allow the need for long-term change to obscure short-term achievements.  And watch the enthusiasm spill over!

Over past three years, I have rarely posted a blog without having my daughter read it first.  She often points out places where my ideas aren’t clear or where I need additional details – things that seemed obvious to me but weren’t to another reader.

She’s very smart and a very good writer, but there’s more going on here.  She’s been working for 7 years; I’ve been working for many times that.  She still has “beginner’s mind,” and I don’t.

There is no doubt that wisdom and experience are powerful, but they must be sparked and enlivened by fresh perspectives.  Otherwise, we can get stuck in our beliefs and our ways of doing things well beyond their “use by” date.

In the New Year, ask yourself if you are willing to expose your hard-earned beliefs and patterns to scrutiny. If you are:
– Who in your life can provide a different perspective?
– Who can ask you questions that create new thinking?

Beyond this, are you willing to try something completely new, something in which you have little or no experience?  Are you willing to risk failing or looking foolish for the upside reward of learning, growing, and, as research has shown, happiness?

As Shunryu Suzuki said in ZEN MIND, BEGINNER’S MIND,  “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, in the expert’s mind there are few.”  Wishing you a New Year filled with possibilities!