Sherri's Blog

In a recent meeting, one of my clients was telling me how he avoided a conflict by not pushing for his preferred outcome.  He felt a little guilty thinking he might not have done what was in the best interests of the team. “Perhaps,” I said, “but you don’t need to engage in every challenge.”  And I showed him 3 alternative approaches to addressing an issue: Bypass-Name-Engage.

As we talked about these alternatives, I was reminded of how clearly they describe our choices when we communicate and of some of the situations where they can be used.

Bypass:  Do not bring up what you see happening. This is a good approach when the relationship or matter at hand is not important or when the timing is not right.  Also if you’ve been consistently ignored, going in again may not make sense. And there are situations where the power imbalance is just too great.

Name:  Say what’s going on. Get issues out in the open. Use “name” when a pattern of behavior emerges that needs to be called out – this often occurs in a meeting when people are drifting off or being disruptive.  Naming is also helpful when you don’t understand something and sense you’re not alone or when the mood or tone of a conversation or relationship has shifted.

Engage:  Bring up issues, ask questions, and discuss solutions. You “engage” when the relationship and/or the situation are simply too important to just “bypass” or “name,” and when you’re willing to work to understand and find a solution.

In my discussion with my client, we also talked about how easy it is to get stuck using the same approach over and over. Like so much in life, flexibility is key. You want to use each approach where it will have the most impact. So I strongly encourage you to change it up from time to time. Experiment with a new approach.  The results may surprise you … and in a good way.

When Zen Master Shunryu Suzuki was asked about the true meaning of Zen Buddhism, he replied, “Everything changes.”

Minute to minute.  Hour to hour.  Day to day.  Things change.  Successful managers understand this.  Ones who are less successful fight it.  Cling.  Hold on.  Put in place rules, rigid procedures, anything to hold back the tide.  Some need this security for themselves; others believe their people need it.  And I’m sure some do.

But it can be a futile path.

The best managers accept change.  Do they plan?  Of course they do.  They create road maps and then sit back a watch them change!  This is easier because they do some important work up front – they embrace and share a vision and create fundamental operating principles.   People who work for them know these, and when the tides shift, they can adjust within these parameters.  

These managers create mechanisms to communicate changes quickly so action can be taken.  They leave space for additional work on their road maps, and they don’t hesitate to drop or delay projects that no longer serve the business or the people who work for them.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, successful managers have trust.  They believe that whatever emerges, they will be able to handle it.  

So as 2012 begins, how will you prepare yourself and your teams for the inevitable changes?  I believe this is the most important work you will do in the coming year. 

Oh, and the best news about change?  While the good times don’t last forever, neither do the bad!  Happy Ever-Changing New Year all!

I’m a positive feedback junkie. I admit it. I can never get enough.  So I’m always surprised when people tell me that receiving compliments makes them uneasy.

Recently I was talking with a client who told me this is true for him.  He’s part of the “no news is good news” crowd.  When I asked him what he does when he receives positive feedback, he said, “Nothing really.  No reply if it’s via email.  And I kind of mumble thank you otherwise.”

“Really?  Why?” I asked.

“I’m just uncomfortable. And I figure most of it’s fake anyhow.”

“But if it’s a genuine compliment and you ignore it or shrug it off, how do you think that makes the other person feel?”

He thought for a moment and then said “Bad.  I guess it’s like returning a Christmas present.  While the person who gave it to you is watching.”

Truer words were never spoken.  So as we’ve come to the Holiday Season, I’d like to encourage all of you to open your hearts and minds to the good things people say to you.  And most importantly, please let them know you’ve heard them and appreciate it.  Treat it like a gift you would never return.

Recently I was coaching a woman who had suffered a career setback. I asked her a lot of questions, and, while there were no easy answers, things began to come into focus.  She stopped at one point and said, “Wow.  The power of good questions.”  I agreed wholeheartedly, and this made me think about what makes a good question and why it’s powerful.

A good question doesn’t start with Didn’t you … Shouldn’t you … Can’t you …  It doesn’t disguise your opinion as a question.  It isn’t just an indirect way of telling someone what to do.

Good questions are powerful because they encourage people to think for themselves and, at the same time, to share their opinions and perspectives with you.  Both parties learn. And that’s the goal – learning.  A good question is formed from genuine curiosity and leads to exploration and discovery.

Below are my favorite learning questions. They are adapted from the work of Chris Argyris/Action Design Associates.  I share them with you in hopes they will foster learning on your teams!

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To Broaden Learning
• What’s your reaction to what I am saying?
• What are others’ views or thoughts?
• What might we miss by looking at it this way or by going in this direction?

To Deepen Learning
• What leads you to think this?
• What is an example of the kind of thing you are saying or recommending?
• What do you think might happen if we do X?
• What prevents you from doing X or looking at it this way?

To Help Resolve an Impasse
• What is the concern behind your view?
• What if we did Y? Would that settle your concern or would you still have doubts?
• Is there anything I am doing that is contributing to the problem from your point of view?
• What data, if we discovered it, would lead you to reconsider your conclusion?

I recently asked participants in one of my classes to describe the best manager they ever had.  While the list of attributes varied, there was one that appeared on almost every list – the manager focused on employee development.

One participant described it this way:

“My manager’s ‘true north’ is developing me.  She looks for every opportunity to let me try new things on the job and is always finding ways to help me stretch.  I really appreciate how honest she is about my current skills, and she’s great at clearly describing what it will take to get to the next level.

Once she came to me with a really cool development opportunity that took me away from my job for one day a week for 10 weeks. And so I wouldn’t worry about work piling up while I was away, she stepped in and temporarily took over one of my projects. How many managers do you know who would do that?  And she’s always encouraging folks on the team to partner up on projects where we can learn from each other.”    

There is no doubt about the respect this individual has for his manager.  As he described his experience, I saw heads nodding all around the room, and then others began sharing their own development stories.

Their stories reinforce what we know – developing  people makes a difference in many ways. The Corporate Leadership Council says that effective development improves performance by 25% and commitment by 29%.  Beyond these statistics, there’s the satisfaction of helping people grow and reach their full potential.  In addition, when you’re known as a manager who focuses on development, people want to work for you and filling open positions is easier. 

And, of course, there’s the pleasure of knowing that one day you might be the answer to the question “who’s the best manager you ever had!”